The Career Chronicles Pt. 1

It has been no secret to those that have been listening to my incessant whining about my career lately that I feel I have stalled professionally. Up until two and a half years ago, I would have been fine with packing up all of my cables, disks and various nerdery and staying home with the handful of kids (ok, just two) that I wanted to have. I find it much more difficult to justify being a stay at home mom to two doxie children when I'm still paying Sallie Mae a ridiculous sum of money each month and there are no prospects of two-footed children padding around the house. I decided a year ago to throw myself fully into being a long-term super nerd (like my dear husband).

But really, who am I kidding? I work in IT because Sallie Mae's continual bitching (read: monthly statement) makes me feel guilty if I even so much as browse a college curriculum catalog. So IT it is. But always in the back of my mind there is a little voice that says "Don't do it. There is more out there for you...you aren't tied to anything!"

Recently I've been going through a rough patch at work. I have been fiercely loyal to my employer and felt that I have always done the right thing for the company. When asked for reciprocity my employer balked. I know that business is business; I just don't always see it that way and so I take things personally. So now, when faced with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and betrayal I wonder if sticking it out is really the best thing for either party? I also wonder when will I stop caring about what's best for them?? I am all too aware that I hold a mean grudge. Is this something I can get over? I don't know.

And so I do what a lot of people facing looming unemployment in this awful economy do: I feel overwhelmed and desperate. I pray. I wonder if my husband is as nervous as I am even though he won't even bat an eye. I cry. I take medication to deal with the building anxiety. But I am a smart woman that knows she needs to have a plan. So I'm going to give myself a set number of days (I don't know the number yet...2? 7? 30?) to wallow in self-pity, anger and depression. Then I'm going to get real about what I do from here and make it all about what's right for me.