My New Routine

Ever since my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis, I have been learning a lot about some new limitations. I don't always know what my energy level will be like from day to day so I've become very reluctant to make plans. Cute shoes very rarely equal comfortable shoes. My favorite shirts quickly end up in the back of the closet - or a donation box - if they have too many buttons. Cooking has become more of a chore and less of a hobby. Driving any kind of distance requires slippers and some NSAIDs. I miss a lot of work due to my chosen treatment path and the resulting suppressed immune system. I have slowed down. I carefully select the activities in which I participate. I have to shrug it off when people ask me about it and then are quick to tell me that they have the same thing in their knees or their grandmother also had it in her hands.

I sit in the hospital room's reclining chair every eight weeks and contemplate this new me while the medicine slowly (So. Very. Slowly.) drips into my one remaining good vein. I wait patiently for my blood panels to come back and show that my liver and kidneys are still hanging in there and so I can continue this course of treatment. Inevitably, someone will be in the infusion room waiting for their dose to finish.

Most recently a woman was already in the room, halfway through her treatment. She was reading a book as many of us often do to while away the hours of drip, drip, drip. But then I noticed her hands and the tell tale swan neck deformity of her fingers. My mind flashed back to my freshman year of high school, biology class. My teacher, living with the same affliction, would have to place the chalk, pen, scalpel, what-have-you in his right hand with his left because he was unable to grasp them. I remember being fascinated by his adaptive habits and curious about the illness that predicated them. I never once thought to ask. Well, I know now. I often wonder things about that teacher that I also discuss with those people in my infusion room. When were you diagnosed? How quickly has it progressed? Sero-negative or sero-positive? Do you have autoimmune disorders as well? How much has your life changed and in what ways?

I am my harshest critic, especially when I find yet another thing that is either more difficult to do now or just plain impossible. Adopting a new routine has been challenging and still is on most days. Invisible illnesses have started to garner much attention. People that often look healthy are not...but they have not let their disease stop them from living their lives. The more I learn about my limitations though, the more I've become much more sympathetic to others. And that has been the bright side for me.